More straight couples are calling each other partner. Here’s why
Within a year of dating, 31-year-old Siara Rouzer crossed a major relationship milestone. The guy she was seeing was no longer a boyfriend but her partner. Rouzer said the title change was more than semantics to them. It symbolized their equal commitment to building a life together.
People in the LGBTQIA+ community often use the word partner to describe their relationship to other parties. While heterosexual couples in the UK and elsewhere have used it for years, experts have noticed more long-term heterosexual couples in the US adopting the gender-neutral term as well.
“I rarely hear somebody say, ‘This is my husband or my wife or my girlfriend,’ it’s already becoming more normalized to say partner,” said Dr. Patricia S. Dixon, a psychologist and professor at National Louis University in Florida. Millennials and Gen Zers on social media use it as a show of support for inclusivity and to normalize the growing number of non-traditional relationships.
The shift in language reflects younger generations’ move away from traditional relationship structures. They are more open to exploring gender-fluid, non-monogamous relationships and ones where marriage is not the end objective.
‘Boyfriend’ can sound juvenile
Like many couples, Rouzer found “boyfriend” an inaccurate description of her close companion. “My person was 30, and he isn’t a boy. Boyfriend started to feel weird,” she said. “This is a grown man who’s paying taxes.”
Referring to someone as your boyfriend or girlfriend suggests several things about your relationship, said Leah Carey, a sex and relationship coach and podcast host of “Good Girls Talk About Sex.” The term implies the relationship is still in the beginning stages of getting to know someone and their compatibility. Those queries have likely been answered for most long-term relationships.
“Boyfriend gives a sense of it being short-term and still trying to figure things out with,” Carey said. “I’ve been with my ‘boyfriend’ for 10 years, and it no longer felt like that’s a solid enough term for a person who is a long-term partner. ”
Commitment without tying the knot
A partnership implies an alternative to marriage while maintaining the same commitment to sharing a life together, said Domenique Harrison, a marriage and family therapist in California. She explained that having a ‘partner’ carries more weight as the relationship dynamics shift from dating to a deeper relationship.
Carrying the boyfriend/girlfriend label implies the goal of getting married. Carey explained that “the relationship escalator” is a concept where couples are expected to follow several steps in a romantic relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend are the first steps on the relationship escalator, and eventually, they move up to fiancé and spouse. This title would, therefore, not apply to unmarried couples metaphorically stepping off the relationship escalator when mutually deciding to live together long-term.
The 2018 United States Census reported that young adults cohabitating with an unmarried partner increased while marriage rates dropped. About 15% of adults between ages 25 and 34 cohabitate with an unmarried partner — a 12% increase from 10 years earlier. “More people are realizing they can have a fulfilling, meaningful lifetime partnership with a person that does not need to include a marriage, house or kids,” Carey said.
“A lot of people use partners now because it is an opportunity for us to equalize that any type of partnership has value,” Harrison said. “The world has always put more stake in the transition from boyfriend to husband, but you can have worth in a partnership whether it’s one or 20 years.”
For Rouzer, “partner” was an appropriate label in her relationship because it tells people they are equal teammates navigating the ups and downs of life together despite choosing not to marry. For example, when Rouzer needed to move across the country for her post doctoral research a few years ago, it was an easy decision for her partner to follow. “It’s an insane choice to move for love, but he moved with me, and I was very happy,” she said.
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An inclusive, gender-neutral label
“Partner” became a popular term to use in the LGBTQIA+ communities to denote a romantic relationship is serious, said Harrison. With growing discrimination from the AIDS epidemic and the lack of marriage equality decades ago, people opted to use the term “partners” to protect their status while still honoring their relationship. By normalizing the use of “partner,” Harrison said heterosexual couples are actively supporting LGBTQIA+ relationships.
The designation also supports your partner’s gender identity if they are not heterosexual despite being in a straight-identifying relationship. Dixon said people who are bisexual face challenges in relationships because many people wrongly assume it is a phase.
“You’re always going to be assumed to be whichever orientation you are currently representing in that moment,” said Carey. “When somebody who is bisexual can say ‘this is my partner,’ it does not lock them into choosing one gender as their only attraction,” added Dixon.
‘Partner’ is not perfect for every relationship
Right now, there’s no official term for describing someone who’s more than a boyfriend/girlfriend but not a legal spouse. Calling someone your lover is too intimate. A domestic partner or significant other may sound overly formal. Even the term “partner” could feel ambiguous since people might not know if you’re talking about a life or business partner.
For Rouzer, “partner” is the most appropriate label for her nine-year relationship. It’s a term mutually decided in the relationship, and people are more accepting of it than they were years ago, though she still gets the occasional eyebrow raise from strangers.
“All the people in my life are very comfortable with my use of the terminology, including the person for whom I use it,” she said. “Isn’t that all that matters?”